Are You an Idiot Girl?

If there's a water balloon lobbed at a crowd of people, it's a given that it's going to hit you. If the guy you've pined for finally asks you on a date, he will be horrified when you show up with a piece of sleep in your eye that's as big as a cornflake. If you're at a work-related party at your boss's house, the toilet will only back up and overflow after YOU have parked yourself on it. Sound familiar?

Maybe you have always suspected but were never certain. Maybe you knew but were afraid to admit it. Maybe you thought you were the only one.

There's only one way to know. To find out for sure. Take the Idiot Girl Challenge.

1. While taking your morning Meridia, have you ever:
a) Suddenly thought, "Hey! Wearing a girdle isn't so bad! Who needs this silly diet pill? I am beautiful the way I am!"
b) Swallowed the dog's arthritis pill because you were too preoccupied thinking that the chub-rub that developed between your inner thighs probably warrants medical attention.
c) Swallowed the dog's arthritis pill because you were too preoccupied thinking about how painful it was three minutes earlier when you were bent over tying your shoelaces and unexpectedly, one of your fat rolls bucked inward from the pressure, and bit you.
d) Swallowed the dog's arthritis pill instead because you were too preoccupied thinking that the new Cap'n Crunch Chocolate Donut cereal looked really, really good. And so did the new Oreo Pop Tarts. And double stuff Keebler cookies. And Popcorn Chicken.

2. A frantic knock at your door at 2:30 am reveals a neighbor screaming that your backyard is on fire. You immediately:
a) Call 911.
b) Call her a drunk and slam the door.
c) Run to the backyard to try and fight the fire with the garden hose, completely unaware that you are not wearing pants.
d) Make a few phone calls to let your single girlfriends know that some firemen are coming over.

3. You have just spotted a Special Olympics trophy in your new boyfriend's bedroom. You:
a) Congratulate him on all of his hard work, return his bear hug and also his gift of the Milenium Falcon in Lego blocks that you thought were so wacky and displayed a madcap sense of humor.
b) Understand that he may not have a serious drinking problem after all.
c) Check yourself into rehab.
d) Call a lawyer and prepare for your courtroom defense.

4. Your boyfriend informs you that he will not be able to make a commitment for three to five years and that he just wants to be "friends." You assume:
a) He has just uttered the first line of "The Speech," and you are being dumped.
b) He finally got busted for growing pot in his bedroom closet and is going to prison.
c) He got somebody else pregnant. Again.
d) He needs the time to train for the Special Olympics.

5. While shopping at a mall, you sense that people are paying special attention to you. You automatically think:
a) Buying the $23 bottle of Big Sexy Hair was a worthwhile investment.
b) You've tucked your skirt into your tights again, exposing one or both of your crater-filled moons to an alarmed and horrified public.
c) The safety pin above the middle button of your shirt has popped open, exposing a partial boob and the bra with the rip near the provacative nipple/areola region.
d) There's a booger on your face.

6. You love Jennifer Lopez because:
a) She recognized her dream of becoming a superstar and worked hard to become the singer and actress that she is today, never giving up and never letting anything discourage her.
b) Her butt looks big in pants.
c) Her butt looks big in skirts.
d) Her butt looks super big in shorts.

7. Upon receiving an invitation to your high school reunion, you:
a) Immediately get out your old cheerleader's outfit and do a cheer to resurrect the magical tingle of school spirit.
b) Suddenly remember your nickname of Whorie Laurie.
c) Break out in hives that could easily be mistaken for the same cystic acne that bludgeoned your teenage years.
d) Have an overwhelming urge to page your therapist. And your friendly neighborhood Valium dealer.

8. You're at a nightspot with your pretty friend, Nikki. A handsome chap comes up to you and says:
a) "Marry me, you beautiful, exquisite princess. I shall never love another."
b) "Can you give me Nikki's phone number?"
c) "Are you Nikki's mom?"
d) "Excuse me, sir. Your fly is open."

9. You've had a fight with your mother about a piece of her Tupperware that you haven't returned. After she hangs up on you, your mother:
a) Realizes that a fight about Tupperware is a silly thing and that the bond between mother and daughter is too special to damage with such pettiness.
b) Calls your house repeatedly until you have no choice but to unplug the phone.
c) Calls every relative within a 50-mile radius to warn them that you are not to be trusted with any food storage item whatsoever with the exception of Baggies and aluminum foil.
d) Sends your aged, elderly grandparents to your house to peek in your windows, because naturally, your mother assumes that since you have not answered the phone, you have taken your life over a borrowed piece of plastic that burps.

10. It would not be unusual for you to wake up:
a) Rested and cheerful, with an uncontainable zest and yearning to start your day.
b) In a stranger's desert-landscaped front yard, your shirt tied around your waist and your black bra slung down to your hip on the left side as your boob winks hello to passersby.
c) On the floor of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles, the evidence of projectile vomiting splattered on the surrounding walls and the realization that you have just missed your college graduation ceremony.
d) At your friend Patti's house with a bruise on your forehead that bears an eerie resemblance to the width and contour of the railroad tracks behind Patti's house.

Scoring:

For every "a" answer, give yourself one point.
For every "b," "c" and "d" answer, give yourself zero points.

Results:

One to ten points: You are the natural enemy of the Idiot Girls. You are not our kind. Now go on back to Victoria's Secret and buy yourself a matching bra and
panty set. We hate you.
Anything else: Welcome home. You're one of us. Don't be sad. Remember, someday dorks will rule the earth, and that means US! Be proud. Idiot Girls rock. Usually until they throw up, but still. All hail the Idiot Girls adage, "It's not a girdle, it's a BODY SHAPER!!!"

Congratulations.

Someday,

Idiot Girls

will rule

the

earth. . .

and we'll

bring

dessert,

too!